Closing Doors

Last night I was sitting in my room attempting to read. However, I was not making much progress because the thoughts in my head were proving to be quite loud. One more week stands between me and the beginning of my junior year in college. This is not necessarily scaring me, but it is in fact causing me to think about everything that will be happening within the next couple of years. I am not worried, nor was I dwelling on something that I know may not even happen. No, I was just simply sitting in wonder thinking of where I am now compared to where I was several years ago, and excited to see what the future is going to hold. My walk with Christ has proved to be very exciting, and there is just no telling where He will take me next.

In thinking of all that has changed, I thought I would share a little bit of what college has held for me so far. As a freshman, I was set on becoming a counselor. I was a social work/psychology major, and was immediately enrolled in the introduction courses that were required. Thank goodness for that, because after a semester  I knew that was not the plan for me. This was also the semester that I was in a relationship that had lasted nearly four years, however, when I went home for Christmas break God informed me that it was time to close this door. Most of the people reading this know that this guy and I had absolutely nothing in common, and the paths we were on had begun to split apart long before the relationship actually ended.  So second semester of my freshman year, I was single, and had changed to just pursuing Psychology.

I was enrolled in research methodology, which was a course that practically covered every career within psychology, and the steps that it would take to get there. Again, I realized that this was not the right path for me, and I changed my mind once again, but this time to nursing. This seemed like a more natural fit for me, as I had worked in a nursing home before, and was even certified as a CNA. So seeing that this change was going to set me back a little bit, I decided to take thirteen hours worth of summer courses. Chemistry, History, World Literature, and Political Science. All of which were required before I could even think about applying for the program. After these summer courses I was mentally exhausted, and only had about a week before my fall courses began. I can’t say that I wasn’t warned. (You know who you are.) Not a great semester at all for me. In fact, I had no motivation to study, much less even care about the grades that I was getting. Then when I finally did gain my motivation it was too late to fix the damage that I had done. Mind you, it was not as bad as I am making it sound, I did not fail any courses, and I even still got an A, but I knew that I was capable of doing much better than I did.

It was towards the end of this semester that I was once again feeling lost. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Dramatic, but true. The only thing that I was really enjoying about this semester was the women’s group that I was co-leading, and just my walk with Christ in general. So, I went home for a weekend, and I stayed with my brother and sister in Christ, also known my extended family, or my home pastor and his wife. (I hope you know who you are!) They have always had a huge impact on my walk, and are actually a big part of the reason that I began to pursue Christ in the first place. Anyway, it was the Sunday that I was about to leave, and although I do not remember all of the conversation (There are always just too many conversations to remember all at one time, but they never fail to teach me something new every moment I spend with them.), I do remember the part that stuck with me on the drive home, that night, and part of the next day, and that was that they had said I had a heart for ministry. Whoa! The wheels in my head began to turn, and slowly something about my path began to feel just a little more whole. Wait, was I good enough to be thinking about pursuing ministry? No, surely that is not right. Should I even be thinking about this? I drove myself mad with the questions that I began to ask myself.

So, I do believe it was the next day that I had just had enough. I know, I made it sound like I really went crazy for days deciphering these questions, but I am just not always that patient. That is when I decided to call my brother in Christ, and I am pretty sure my part of the conversation was, “I don’t know what I am doing with my life, I don’t think I want to do nursing anymore, I am passionate about people, but I just don’t see myself as a nurse.” He then asked me what my heart was telling me, and that was when I knew. I didn’t even have to hesitate. “I want to go into ministry.”

So to jump ahead a little bit, it was in that moment, and from there on, that I have finally found a peace about what I want to do. I will now be majoring in English and minoring in Psychology, with the hope of attending seminary after I graduate. My point for sharing all of this is that there is freedom in allowing yourself to be open to the doors ahead of you, and comfortable with closing some of the doors behind you. It took me a while to figure this out, as I was not always so comfortable with change. However, God is funny in that way. He will push your limits, and out of the uncomfortable moments and even the hardship, you will discover more and more of the pieces that make up the heart of God.

My hope is that you will be willing to open new doors, as well as be willing to close some of the ones behind you, and that you will rejoice in the beauty that will arise from the changes that make up your walk with Christ.

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